Kit Kat & Ham

Sent in by Steve aka Jerp's Little Bro

You will need:
2 x 4 finger KitKats
1 x pack of 8 ham slices (Tesco perferred)
1 x errr plate....?


Method:
- Take the KitKats out of the wrappers, and seperate into 8 fingers.
- Open pack of ham.
- Wrap slice of ham around a KitKat finger.
- Repeat 7 more times.
- Eat them.


Enjoy!

Instant Soggy Pizza

Sent in by DarthDogCow aka The Chef Of Doom

You will need:
1 x slice of bread (plain white only please - there's no room for Jamie Olivers in this recipe)
1 x Cheese slice (Kraft or otherwise)
1 x Splat of tomato sauce
1 x Toaster
1 x Microwave
1 x Some herbs (if you're posh)
1 x Plate (again, if you're posh)


Method:
- Stuff the bread into the toaster as best you can with a fucking thumping head. Push down the thing that makes it cook. Take it out when it's finished.
- Splat the tomato sauce onto the newly made toast. Spread it about if you must.
- Gently unwrap and apply the cheese slice onto aforementioned ketchuppy toast.
- At this point, if you're posh, you can add the herbs. If not, skip to step 5.
- Microwave on high power for 30 seconds, more if you like it really soggy (no more than 30 minutes please - safety first).
- Put it on the plate if you're posh, or if you're not, do the now legendary head ramming thing (in one if possible).

 

Instantaneous Mini Lazyboy Pizzas

Sent in by Miguel Pelotas

You will need:
1 x packet of original/cheesy Doritos
1 x box of soft cheese triangles
1 x bottle of tomato ketchup (the cheaper the brand the better)


Method:
- Unwrap the triangles coz they're a real bastard to open.
- Then open your Doritos and smother them with ketchup.
- Proceed by placing your soft cheese on top of your saucy crisps to produce an Italian-like delicacy.
- Repeat as many times as you think is acceptable and devour....

Tip:- This is an ideal and easy snack for the idle/inebriated individual as it requires no preparation and doesn't require the use of an oven, grill or hob. Enjoy.

Honey-Glazed Cheese & Onion Crunch

Sent in by Pretzel Petrelli

You will need:
A cheese & onion pasty
Some honey
Some crisps

Method:
- Heat the pasty in the oven until golden brown.
- Next lovingly coat the surface of the product with honey.
- Smash up your crisps into a fine dust and pour them over the honey glaze, pop back into the oven and allow the glaze to caramalise.
- Eat it.....cheap cola makes a great drink to really set the flavour off. Yum!
 

Henk

Sent in by Mark Oh!

You will need:
1 x Knorr soup mix
1 x saucepan
Loads of miscellaneous shit


Method:
- Henk: Named for the fake chocolate bar on the 'Adam and Joe Show', this is a modern variation on Nan's favourite, Bubble & Squeak, in that it is a stodgy mash-up of whatever is to hand and called HENK because it sounds like HANK and that's a real stodgy name. No chocolate is involved with this recipe, remember that, it's important.
- You will need a base, I recommend getting a box of Knorr 5 minute soup mixes in from the Cash & Carry since they make a pint of soup per sachet and it's not all pissy and watery like a Cuppa Soup. The Chicken Noodle one is good, but the best is probably the Vegetable Provencale, since it spits like a bitch if you forget to stir it for a bit.
- Follow the instructions on the soup, but as you're cooking, throw bits of whatever you have to hand into the pan - plum tomatoes, sweetcorn, ham, chunks of cheese, sunflower seeds, bit of garlic for taste, etc. Advanced users can raid the spice rack if you have one for an experimental flavour explosion.
- When it's done (you'll KNOW when it's done), serve up in mugs (pint mugs if you've got em, preferably those old men's pint mugs with handles to avoid scaldings).

Ham & Cheese Twister

Sent in by Slim Boy Slim

You will need:
Some pieces of thin sliced ham.
Some computer cheese (Dairylea slices or equivalent).


Method:
- Place one piece of computer cheese on a piece of thin sliced ham. Computer cheese is best as they're pre-packed as single slices but you can use whatever you like really.
- You can place another piece of ham and another piece of cheese on top if you like, ad infinitum.
- Roll up to make a tightly-packed tube.
- Place in microwave for 20 seconds.
- Burn fingers and enjoy.

Gin Toastie

Sent in by DarthDogCow aka The Chef Of Doom

You will need:
Gin
Bread


Method:
- Toast two slices of bread.
- Trim the crusts off a third slice of bread.
- Soak trimmed slice of bread in gin.
- Place gin-soaked bread in between two slices of toast.
- Get it down your neck.


NOTE: Nobody ever said this was nice. As an alternative, why not try using brown bread and lager if you're a real health freak.
 

Fast Food Kebabs

Sent in by Miguel Pelotas

You will need:
One half loaf of medium/thick sliced bread
1 - 2 beef stock cubes (preferably Oxo or Knorr)
1 x jug of water
4 x kebab skewers
Cucumbers and/or peppers(optional)


Method:
- Stir the stock cubes into the water until you have a brown, meat flavoured, diarrhoea coloured liquid.
- Roll each slice of bread into a ball and soak in the beef stock.
- Proceed by putting three of your bread balls onto each kebab skewer, separating them with a chunk of cucumber or pepper if desired to add colour and some sort of flavour.

Tip:- Do not attempt this recipe unless wrecked on wine or extremely high as it will taste decidedly dubious. Mmmmmm! Tasty.

Egg on Toast-Like Bread

Sent in by Mysty's Pat-ay Cat-ay

You will need:
1 x slice of bread - or two if you're really hungry
1 x egg - or two if you're... you get the picture
Serving of tastebud killing sauce like Sainsbury's 29p cheap ketchup


Method:
- When you're wrecked, operating an oven, hob, toaster or grill is a big no-no, as is frying an egg. So this recipe saves you the aggro of a potential eyebrow mishap. Safe!
- Take your bread and put it on a microwavable plate.
- Crack egg on the top. Don't pick off the shell if it gets on your bread - it adds extra crunch.
- Place in microwave, close door and radiate for 30 seconds or until your egg is cooked.
- Take out of microwave. NOTE: MAKE SURE EGG IS COOKED (I'm not going to jail if you get salmonella) add mind numbing ketchup, and enjoy.
- Garnish with left over cold kebab meat from the night before, if desired.
- Wash down with a beer.

Eggs Bellend Dick

Sent in by Good Riddance Moon

You will need:
2 x eggs
Jalapeno peppers
Spring onions
Sweet red pepper
Sweet chilli (or any spicy) sauce
Bread


Method:
- Boil water with eggs inside. When boiling, leave for 8 minutes.
- Meanwhile, toast your bread.
- Slice up jalapenos, spring onions and red pepper.
- Sprinkle on hot bread.
- Add egg and chilli sauce/spicy sauce.
 

Digestive Mini Pizza

Sent in by Jay Roller

A digestive, smeared with tomato sauce and topped with a little cheese makes an ideal "mini pizza" (or possibly a not-so-mini pizza, if you're a little tiny shortarse, or leprechaun or similar).

Die Balls Van De Straat Op Die Hoek' or 'The Balls Of The Street Round The Corner

Sent in by Kerryclart

You will need:
1 x packet of Swedish Meatballs from Sainsbury's
1 x packet of Mature Cheddar (grated)
Bread (optional)


Method:
- Remove clothing then meander on over to where shit happens. This is essential for that all Swedish experience. Stick some Chopin on. He was French but fuck it, let's go with it. It's one big cultural microcosm in the windows of your mind.
- Remove meatballs from packaging and place on a microwaveable plate. "Nuke" for a good 4 mins.
- Take plate out of microwave and sprinkle seductively and sparingly, the grated cheese over your balls, then put back into microwave. Hit the ON button till cheese has melted.
- Call one "Mike" for that authentic GLC touch or whichever is your favourite member. Eat "Mike" first when you are at your most ravenous, devouring him as if it were The Last Supper. Wipe mouth with back of hand. *burps*

Trust me, the mucuous in your stools will never look so congealed.
 

Day-After-Fast-Food-Super-Sandwich

Sent in by JW

You will need:
2 x slices of yesterday's cold pizza (6 if you're fucking hungry)
Miscellaneous bits of leftover fast food


Method:
- Make sure your fridge is full of fast food. Pizza is a necessity, any other fast food in the fridge is a fucking bonus!
- Put one slice of pizza on a hard surface (like a table, knee, telly etc).
- If you've got any other fast food in your fridge, pile it on the slice (doesn't matter how much you pile on as step 5 will explain).
- Put the other pizza slice on top.
- Lean on the 'sandwich' with all your weight (this makes it nice and stodgy and keeps it together - the more shit you've put in your sandwich the harder it is to squeeze together but you can still manage it).
- Nuke the bastard.

TOP TIP: Try putting barbecue sauce and KFC 'Crispy Strips' in your sarnie, safe!

Crispy Pie

Sent in by Michael Jackson

You will need:
1 x Deep fill dish
4 - 5 family bags of maize based crisps (eg. Wotsits/ Bacon Fries / Monster Munch).
1 x Plant / water mist sprayer.

Method:
- First place an inch deep base of your favoured maize snacks into the bowl. After this is done liberally spray the base with the plant mist thingy (this will allow the ingredients to melt together and bind).
- Next add a filling: if KP Skips are your base why not have Wotsits as your filling? Spray them again with water to bind.
- Next add a topping that fills the bowl to the top. Spray this in the same fashion and garnish with lattice or bacon flavour fries.
- As the liquid sets in ,the crispy pie will start to bind. Leave in a warm place for 24 hours to dry and on your return you should find a delightful salty party that has moulded to the shape of your pie dish, empty it out and feed to friends and relatives.
 

Cheesy Crisps

Sent in by Bunnywunny

You will need:
Crisps
Cheese


Method:
- Take 1 packet of crisps, I rather like Salt & Vinegar, but hey - why not experiment with something really exotic & fancy, like Walker's 'Gently Infused Lime & Thai Spices' (Wow, modern science really can create miracles!).
- Spead out evenly on a plate.
- Sprinkle liberally with cheese, something posh & gooey like Brie works really well, but then again why not experiment, the possibilities are quite endless.
- Nuke in the microwave for 2 minutes or until cheese melts & bubbles a bit.

MMMM MMM MMMMMMM it's both crispy & gooey! Magic!

Branston Scotch Egg Treat

Sent in by Tony Garfield

You will need:
1 x scotch egg
1 x generous helping of Branston pickle

Method:
- Using a knife (or under adult supervision), cut the scotch egg in two.
- Remove the egg from both of the two newly-created scotch egg halves. This can be eaten, fed to wildlife or thrown at a friend's face.
- Once the egg has been suitably disposed of, scoop the Branston pickle into the scotch egg halves. This will create a 'Breadcrumb Boat of Branston' effect of sorts and is to be held in high esteem.
- Garnish with a plate. A real man can eat both halves of a 'Branston Scotch Egg Treat' without wincing or bringing tears to his eyes. This also suggests that the real man is incredibly drunk and has no sense of taste left.

Baked Bean Lasagne

Sent in by Tony Bumface

You will need:
1 x Tin of beans
Load of pasta
Some cheese
Splash of tomato sause


Method:
- Place the beans and the pasta in a oven dish or heat proof bowl, squirt on a small amout of tomato sauce and grate the cheese on top.
- Place in the oven for 20 mins on about 150 degres.
- Leave to cool for about 5 mins.
- Fucking delicious!
 

10 Second Donuts

Sent in by Chumpy the Bastard

You will need:
1 x slice of white bread
Load of sugar
1 x dollop of jam (optional)


Method:
- Simply roll a slice of white bread into a ball using your hands.
- Sprinkle the sugar on a hard surface, eg. kitchen top, book cover or record sleeve.
- Now roll the bread ball around till it's collected the sugar deposited in the previous step.
- Feeling adventurous...? Why not pop a dollop of jam in the middle of the finished donut to add that authentic 'American jelly' vibe...?
- Now sit back and enjoy these simple delights! Why not make loads to entertain your wrecked friends when they come round for a jazz...?

Minced Beef & Onion Toastie →

Sent in by PVC Sister

You will need:
1 x Vaguely decent tin mince beef and onion pie filling
1 x Clit Bang bottle to clean sandwich toaster off as you haven't used the thing in fucking years and it's covered in a layer of some weird hybrid fudge / dust
1 x face mask as there has been a noxious gas emitting from mixture of clit bang and uncleaned sandwich toaster. (am I the only person alive who still uses a sandwich toaster on a regular basis?)
1 x one of those things they use in Men in Black to erase memories so the last two sentences are forgotten as they are probably pointless
2 x slices of bread


Method:
- Put bread on counter, turn on sandwich toaster, put spread of choice on bread (both sides if you wish it to be golden brown on outside, but this involves more clit bang, another face mask and getting the blue lighty doo-dah from that movie out, hold on... that's a sonic screwdriver????!!)
- Put filling on bread, put another slice of bread on top, (edit, put sandwich on a plate cos he says so, and it won't drip all over the kitchen floor) stick in sandwich toaster.
- When done according to taste, stick back on plate. And eat when sufficiently cooled or it's like molten lava. Knows.
(I would like to add, Stagg Chilli would probably be just as good)