Wreckhead Pizza

Sent in by Bibs Ramsey-Oliver-Worral-Thompson

You will need:
2 x slices of bread
Cherry tomatoes
Splash of olive oil
Mozarella cheese
Splash of Worcester sauce to taste


Method:
- Call local pizza emporium, discover they are closed or won't deliver to you as they found out that the last time the local Cop Shop ordered 76 Meat Feast 18"-ers (and a skip) they seemed to use your home phone number.
- Get some bread, put it on the grill and begin the toasting process.
- While the first side is getting a lovely browning, take those handy cherry tomatoes and chop them in half. Plastic cutlery, albeit safer, is hard work so use a proper knife, perhaps one from the latest Jamie Oliver range available from House of Fraser and other good department stores in your area.
- Check toast, if done*, move to step 6 (*toast to your own personal taste, I prefer a golden tinge to the toast, not too crunchy).
- Wait 30 seconds then repeat step 4.
- Turn the toast and put the new tomato halves on it with a dash of olive oil, extra virgin if available.
- Wait
- When the bread starts to brown again on this side you know it's nearly time. Sprinkle with grated Mozarella cheese (£1.09 from Tesco) and put it back under the grill with a drop of Worcester Sauce for good measure until the cheese starts to brown.
- Garnish with fresh basil if available, if not never mind and you're done, nice! Enjoy.
- Sounds long and involved with 9 steps but to be fair the whole process of creating this delight should take no more than 3/4 minutes. Think of it as time well spent in an accelerated Hawkins-eque area.
 

Very Sticky Toffee Pudding

Sent in by Gavin Peacock MBE

You will need:
Breadcrumbs
Sugar
Freshly boiled water


Method:
- For those in need of old school desserts, why not try the delicious Very Sticky Toffee Pudding. Even the delightful aroma produced whilst cooking will transport you back to the heady days of school canteens, pink custard and slop bins.
- First off, locate breadcrumbs. These can be found in breadbins or at the bottom of toasters. Ensure toaster is both turned off and unplugged when attempting to dislodge discarded bread matter. Collect in a small dish.
- Add sugar to dish. If you have no sugar, use syrup. If you have no syrup, use honey. If you have no honey, try using Nutrasweet or any popular sugar alternative. If you have none of these, just pop down to your local Starbucks or Maccy Dees and nick as many sachets of sugar as you possibly can.
- When sugar has been added, knead with fingertips for between 2 - 3 minutes, then add boiling water. Be careful! You'll find that you need your fingers for things later on in life.
- Fire up the grill. Place your bready, sugary, watery mixture in a heat-resistant dish such as one made of Pyrex or Titanium. Heat for a little while until the sugar has caramelised on top. Yum yum! Things are looking good.
- Try to fight the temptation to dive in too soon, this stuff is hot! Once sufficiently cooled, add an accompaniment such as ice cream or yoghurt. If you don't have either, try freezing milk as an ice cream alternative.
- Eat, enjoy and remember that taste isn't everything. Sometimes it's all about the process and what you were hoping to accomplish at the time.

NOTE: The picture at the top of this page does not in any way represent the finished product described above. In fact, should you follow the recipe stated, there's a very good possibility it'll look nothing fucking like it at all.

Tuna Splat

Sent in by Gok

You will need:
1 x tin of beans
1 x tin of tuna
Some leftover pasta stuff


Method:
- If you have any bits of pasta left, boil in pan for recommended time.
- Open tin of beans, chuck in a pot, cook and add tin of tuna.
- Drain pasta and cover with the prepared tuna and beans in the delicious tomato sauce.
- Add cheese if you've got it for a real delight.

Lovely.
 

Tomato & Pasta Soup

Sent in by Alan Freeman

You will need:
Leftover pasta
Tomato ketchup

Method:
- Get any left over pasta and cook. At the same time put the kettle on.
- Take tomato sauce, preferably Heinz (if you don't have any, get some free from Maccy Dee's) and pour 2/3 tablespoons into a cup.
- Add the cooked pasta and the boiling water from the kettle.
- If you have some bread, rip it into small pieces and stir in. Add salt and pepper to taste.
 

Super Spam Special

Sent in by Milly aka Treacle Slits

You will need:
A blender (Kenwood shiny stainless steel looks best)
1 x can of large Spam
2 x cans of Beer (chilled is best)
1 x can of anchovies (for extra protein levels)
A few splashes of tomato juice
1 x large dollop of Dijon mustard
1/4 cup chopped scallions
1 x dash of Tabasco
Salt (if you'd need it, lo-salt is better for you)
Pepper to taste
Chopped parsley from your herb garden (optional but will count as one of your five-a-day fruit & vegetable portions)


Method:
- Take this conveniently packaged canned meat product made from 100% pure pork and ham. Unscrew carefully, watching not to slice your fingers but don't worry if you do, this will add extra flavour to your Spam Shake.
- Put all these ingredients into the blender and blend until smooth.
- No need to chew this meal - just glup and swallow.
- Serve with a celery stick to show-off to your friends your sexy presentation skills.
- Can form part of a calorie controlled diet where 2 ounces equals 180 calories.

Spicy Crunchy Beans

Sent in by Claire Bitzonna-Klitz

You will need:
1 x beans
1 x carrot
1 x selection of spicy sauces


Method:
- Heat beans in saucepan.
- Add selection of sauces. Stir if you can be bothered to do so.
- Peel and dice carrot.
- Add to beans and sauce concoction.
- Simmer for a bit.
- Serve and eat.
- Gag for a bit. Declare the dish as 'fucking disgusting' and scrape off plate into bin.
- Try and think of something else to stop the hunger pains like 'Jam on Weetabix' or something.
 

Salt & Vinegar Pasta Marinade

Sent in by Colin Fudge

You will need:
1 x serving of pasta (any type will do)
1 x splash of vinegar
1 x dash of salt


Method:
- Work out how much pasta you'll need. A cup is normally enough for one person. Mind you, if you're resorting to this type of recipe, you've obviously desperate for food so two cups might be advisable.
- Boil a pint of water in a saucepan. Once the bubbles have started, dump the pasta in the pot. If you're bored, stir the mixture lovingly with a wooden spoon like it actually makes a difference. It might stop the pasta sticking to the pan, it might not. Either way it gives you something to do in the meantime.
- After about 2 - 3 minutes, try a piece of pasta to ensure it's thoroughly cooked. It should be soft and quite hot. If it's cold and quite crunchy, check to see if the cooker's on. If not, return to Step 2.
- Drain the water off the pasta and place lovingly on a plate. Add salt and vinegar to taste. Serve. Eat. Try not to be sick.

Rolo Biscuits

Sent in by Silent Bob

You will need:
2 x packs of regular Rolos
1 x pack of digestive biscuits


Method:
- Put both packs of Rolos in pan till they've melted.
- Crumble digestive biscuits into melted Rolos and stir.
- Pour the mixture onto cling film in small circles.
- Wait for them to set then eat. If you don't like them then there's something wrong with you.
 

Pizza Stylee Toasted Sandwiches

Sent in by PVC Sister

You will need:
1x Breville sandwich toaster
4 x Slices of fresh white bread
Dollop of Dairylea
Pasta sauce
Bits of ham
Some mozzarella
Sliced onion


Method:
- Break out that old breville that has been gathering dust and grease in one of your kitchen cupboards. Come on, everyone's got one and very few of us actually use it!
- Slap down 4 slices of fresh white bread and cover liberally with a soft processed cheese of your preference. Mmm, why is it always Dairylea?
- Next some nice pasta sauce, I'm rather partial to Dolmio extra chunky cos of the lovely chunks of onion.
- Get some slices of ham and stuff em on top. Also add slices of mozarella cheese for the lovely stringy effect, mmm cheesy.
- Add onion or any other chopped vegetable of your choice, slap the bread together and shove in Breville.
- You forgot to turn it on....? Take sandwich out and turn Breville on, then wait. Forget about the sandwich cos the 'Bows proper kicked in and wait for the burning smell to remind you of what it was you were doing before you got sucked into the world of late night quiz shows on ITV3.

If you've managed to cook the sandwich to perfection, eat, burn your lips and tongue and above all enjoy!

 

Farmhouse Fare Pie Sandwich

Sent in by Mistress T

You will need:
1 x medium quality pie
2 x slices of thick white bread
Some butter or margarine to taste


Method:
- Pre-heat the oven to about 200°C. Happily forget about this until about 40 minutes later when you're later alerted by a metallic burning smell.
- Whack your pie on the top shelf and leave for about 20 minutes or so. For those suffering from short term memory loss, it may be advisable to write notes to yourself or to chant the mantra "Pie Sandwich, Pie Sandwich" to remind you of cooking in progress.
- Prepare the two slices of bread after making the all-important decision as to which piece should serve as the base.
- Retrieve pie from oven and pop on the bread. NOTE: Leave the pie to rest for more than 5 minutes as the contents are now currently hotter than the Sun.
- When the contents of your pie sandwich have cooled sufficiently, ceremoniously place the top piece of bread on to finish off this fine example of Ultimate Stodge. Eat and enjoy...!

Pot Noodle Delight

Sent in by Graham the Bear

You will need:
1 x Chicken & Mushroom Pot Noodle (complete with soy sauce sachet)
3 x slices of reconstituted ham
1 x dollop of mayonnaise
1 x small dash of mustard
Load of grated cheese


Method:
- Get drunk. The complex flavour of the 'Pot Noodle Delight' (or 'PND' for short) will baffle those of a sober disposition. Ensure participants are suitably inebriated beforehand.
- Stumble into the kitchen with the above ingredients (preferably purchased from a local petrol station) and fill the kettle (with water) with an aim to boiling it. Once boiled, add water to the Pot Noodle. NOTE: The water should not exceed the recommended level on the pot. This is of utmost importance to allow other ingredients to be added and to avoid scolding of hands.
- Stir well and replace the foil lid for about a minute.
- During this time, take the reconstituted ham and place the grated cheese in the centre of each piece making little parcels out of them. These are referred to as 'Depth Charges' (or 'DC's for short). Make sure you leave a bit of cheese out for later.
- Plop in the first DC and allow it to sink. Place the second DC in the PND, but this time pour the soy sauce in and stir.
- Now add a dollop of mayonnaise and stir vigorously.
- Spread some mustard (to taste) on the third DC. This is known as a 'Depth Charge Supreme' (or 'DCS' for short). Place the DCS in the PND and add the leftover cheese to the top.
- Replace the foil lid for about 30 seconds and then consume. Your taste buds will have a fucking party.

NB - Leave a pint glass of water next to your bed for the morning - the more inexperienced PND combatant may feel like they've sucked off a camel.
 

Pasty le Bouef a la Fromage

Sent in by Miguel Pelotas

You will need:
1 x Corned beef/Cornish pasty
2 - 3 slices of cheddar cheese


Method:
- Take meat pasty and place on a suitable microwave-proof plate.
- Slice 2 - 3 slices of cheddar cheese with big knife.
- Strategic placing of cheese on pasty is of prime importance. Ensure pasty is completely covered.
- Slam in microwave for about 70 seconds and you will have yourself a lovely cheesy meaty snack.

Oven Chips with Marmite Glaze

Sent in by Charlie Copperpot

You will need:
Oven chips
Marmite


Method:
- Take oven chips from the freezer, rub Marmite on individual chips with your fingers and bang in the oven for 20 minutes.
- Lick Marmite off fingers as an appetizer.
- Skin up and wait for a bit.
- Consume and enjoy.
- If you're lucky, you might have a small piece of mouldy cheese you can grate on top.

Oh what a treat!
 

Naan Special Tasty

Sent in by DJ Skidmark aka Ainsley's Chariot

You will need:
1x packet of burger cheese
1x bit of brie (or camembert if prefered)
1x mozzarella
1x naan bread
1x chilli sauce (optional)

Method:
This dish is best prepared at your Nan's house as she will have the cheese required. If you cannot get all the types of cheese, just add more of the others, simple!

- Unwrap all the bits of plastic cheese, crush a few together into a lump.
- Carefully probe your index finger into the cheese, thus creating a small crater (Warning: This act can be quite sensual, especially if still wrecked).
- Add a little chilli sauce into the crater.
- Cram in a little mozzarella to create a "Chilli Core" - think of this as the middle of the Earth, like. - Lay a few slices of brie over, then cover with remaining burger cheese. It should look like a ball by the end.
- Now you need to start preparing your naan (naan from a previous takeaway is perfect for this speciality). Open up the bread and chuck in a bit of butter to taste, add the cheese ball and seal by pinching bread at opening.
- Finally ram it in the microwave for 5-10 minutes on full power (depending on how much you want to chew) and enjoy.
- Before enjoying the snack, press hand firmly down on the naan, now every bite should contain the cheese delight!
- A delicious treat, especially in these cold Autumn months!

Best served with a tin of diamond white cider.

Magic Pâté Bread

Sent in by Evil Petunia

You will need:
1 x tube of pâté - it is essential that it is the stuff in a tube or you'll just end up with a terrible, terrible mess!
1 x slice of bread


Method:
- Go to Italy (www.easyjet.co.uk should help!)
- Buy some of the hilariously advertised pâté they have there.
- Take a slice of bread - any will do!
- Squeeze on pâté in a spiffy artistic design - eg. GLC logo

- Hold out "sandwich"
- Smile invitingly at a member of the opposite sex.
- Say sultrily, "Voulez-vous pâté avec moi?"

Microwaved Chip Sandwich

Sent in by Z Beeblebrox

You will need:
2 x slices of bread, white is preferable as it's less healthy
Butter/margarine
Cheese, the stronger the better
Salt, vinegar
Sauce (garlic or mayo works well)
Lastly, and this is VERY IMPORTANT - a portion of frozen chips that does not have any microwaving instructions at all.


Method:
- Place frozen non-microwaveable chips on a plate (this must be microwaveable for health and safety reasons) and cook on full power for 3-and-a-half to four minutes, depending on your oven's power.
- While this is cooking, combine the bread, butter/marge, cheese and sauce into a sandwich.
- When the chips are done, (make sure they burn your fingers when you touch them, or they're too cold) add salt and vinegar to taste, then add into sandwich with the help of some cutlery so as to avoid nasty burns.
- You may notice at this stage that the chips have stuck together somewhat. This is a hallmark of non-microwaveable chips, and can actually help in getting them into the sandwich quicker.
- The stodge level of the MCS is remarkably high, and can actually be a bit hard to swallow - you know you've been fed when you've had one of these.
- The MCS can be further improved by serving with a packet of crisps (I recommend cheese and onion), or a deluxe version can be created by the simple addition of a fried egg, but please consult your doctor before consuming such a hazardous meal.
- Once again, I must stress the use of non-microwaveable chips - the ones designed for microwaves are virtually stodge-free, as well as lacking the sticking-together factor.

Enjoy!
 

Microwaved Cheese Biscuits

Sent in by Mark Oh!

You will need:
Bit of cheese
Microwave


Method:
- A lovely starter, combining the flavour of cheese with the texture of biscuits without all the hassle of having to use both hands, plus there's also an entertaining show as it cooks.
- Simply get a chunk of cheddar, the stronger the better, and put it on a small microwavable plate or saucer and put the plate in the microwave.
- Set the microwave for five minutes (don't worry, you won't need to wait that long), switch it on and peer inside to watch the progress.
- The cheese will begin to melt by about 1 minute and by about 2 minutes will be bubbling nicely. Keep it bubbling, don't lose your nerve and hit stop just yet.
- Wait until the cheese is entirely flat and turning slightly gold colour, then press stop. Carefully remove the plate and sit on the side to cool for a minute or so, after which you'll have a lovely solid microwave cheese bisc to feast on.
- You could even dollop on a bit of tomato puree for a "pizza-upside-down-cake" if you want.

Bon happy-tits!
 

Milky Bread Ice Cream

Sent in by Sick Boy

You will need:
Milk
Sugar
Bread
Jam


Method:
- Put some milk in a bowl, add sugar and stir.
- Get bread and rub it till it has a 'breadcrumb-like' consistency.
- Add to the milk and put it in the freezer for 1 and a half hours.
- Stir after first 30 mins.
- Eat with jam if you have it to hand.

Mars Bar Delight

Sent in by George Benttail

You will need:
1 x Fun Size Mars Bar
6 x Smarties, Skittles or seasonal equivalent


Method:
- Unwrap Fun Size Mars Bar. Put on side.
- Select favourite colour Smarties or Skittles or whatever.
- Stuff Smarties onto top of Fun Size Mars Bar.
- Ram into head and enjoy.

TOP TIP: If monstrous hunger strikes, have a go at the 'Ultimate Mars Bar Delight'. Same as above, only difference being with a King Size Mars Bar and Cinema Size Bag of Smarties. Go crazy!
 

Last Night Curry Pizza

Sent in by Graham the Bear

You will need:
Load of leftover curry
1 x cheap pepperoni pizza
Bit of cheese

Method:
- Have an early session of booze followed by a large curried meal. Two or more dishes are recommended.
- Due to the large quantity of beer filling your belly, you should be unable to finish your large curried meal leaving approximately one-third of each dish.
- Go to bed.
- The following evening, purchase a cheap pepperoni pizza from a successful food store.
- Mix together your various curry dishes and spread across your pizza.
- Find some strong cheese (eg. blue stilton). Slice big chunky bits off and then place onto the pizza.
- Cook for 12 - 15 minutes at 220C.
- Ram in your head. NOTE: It will be hot straight from the oven. Be careful but do enjoy.